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A WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, they were on sale, for my 2 dogs. I was about to check out when a women behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had? An elephant?

Since I had little else to do, and I’m pretty much an asshole, I told her no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IV’s in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my balls and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard … Walmart won’t let me shop there anymore.

Two women had a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten a little over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and didn’t want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman’s husband was concerned his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, “These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!”

“That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said” … “From all of us at the fire station. We’ll never forget you.”

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the Part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blond, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another false alarm and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”"