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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She’s such a bitch.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. I can hardly hear you … are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

MAN: “Sure … go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000″

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000″

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It’s really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

A single, very attractive business woman decided she was gonna have a few drinks after work at a bar on the 75th floor of the building she worked in and see if she could meet anybody interesting there. When she arrived, the first person she noticed was a tall, well built, dark haired, very handsome man sitting alone at the bar. “Jackpot!” She thought as she sat down next to him.

“What’re ya drinkin’, Handsome?” She asked.

The man smiled and said, “Magic beer!”

“Ok nutbag!” The lady thought to herself as she got up and walked away.

She continued looking around the bar while sipping a drink only to find that the ‘nutbag’ was the only halfway decent option she had. So she went back over and sat down to find out about this “magic beer”

“Magic beer, huh…?” She asked, skeptically. “What’s so ‘MAGICAL’ about it?”

“Well,” the man said with a smile, “I can slam this beer without takin’ a breath, run and jump out that window over there, fly around this entire building, and land right back on the ledge!”

“Bullshit!” the lady says. “Do it!”

So the man slams his beer, runs to the window, jumps out, flies around the building, and lands back on the ledge, just like he said he could.

She couldn’t believe what she’d just seen! “Do it again!” she exclaims.

So once again, he slams a beer, runs to the window, jumps out, flies around the building, lands back on the ledge, and walks back to his seat. “SEE?! You believe me now?!” He asked with a HUGE smile.

“BARTENDER!” she yells. “I’ll have one of those magic beers HE’S having!”

The man sits at the bar and watches with a smirk as she slams the beer, runs as fast as she can to the window, jumps out…. and falls 75 stories to a horrifying death below. He laughs a little bit, shaking his head as he turns around and orders another beer.

The bartender hands him his beer and says, “Goddamn it… You’re a fuckin’ asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks,” says the little girl.

As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dogs collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little Partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”