Long list of jokes
Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13!
Whats the difference between a Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13!
What does a Girlfriend and a Condom have in common?
When they’re not on your dick, they’re in your wallet.
What’s the difference between a faggot and refridgerator?
The refridgerator doesnt fart when you pull your meat out.
What’s the difference between a jew and a canoe?
The canoe tips.
What do Mcdonalds and Michael Jackson have in common?
40 year old meat in between 10 year old buns.
Why do alter boys have their hair parted in the middle?
Preist: This will be our little secret (hands motioning).
A catholic priest and a jewish rabbi are walking down the street one day when the priest leans over to the rabii and says “Hey, lets go screw some little boys,” and the rabbis response is “outta what?”
How do you fit 4 gay guys on a barstool?
Turn it upside down.
What’s the most popular pickup line in a gay bar?
“May I push your stool in?”
What’s the difference between a virgin and a washing machine?
After you dump your load in the washing machine it doesn’t follow you around.
One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry’s, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry’s wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry’s wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry’s wife had followed him into the kitchen and said “Did you like what you saw?” Mike said “Yes, I did!” Terry’s wife said “Well, you can get more than that but it will cost you $500.”
So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. She said “Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work.”
Mike said “I’ll see you then.” The next day Mike went over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later Terry came home and asked “Has Mike been over here today?”
Thinking she had been caught, she said “As a matter of fact, he did.” Terry said “Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it with you.”
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”
The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.”
She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.”
Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!”
The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alley.”
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?”
He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied … I’m married and I’m Jewish!”
The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!”
Whats the difference between an old italian woman and a cat fish?
One has wiskers and stinks, and the other’s a fish
Women are like a KFC meal, once your done with the breasts and thighs are your left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Hitler and a guy are sitting at the bar, they begin to talk. The guy asks Hitler, “What will you be doing this weekend?” Hitler replies “Uhhh I think I’m going to kill 10,000 Jews and about 10 clowns.” The guy asks “Why the 10 clowns?” Hitler than looks at him and says “See, no one cares about the Jews.”
So yea, my girl got tired of me partying and drinking, so she said I need to stop drinking to save some money and what not. Well, I found out she went out and bought like fuckin $50 worth of makeup and shit. So I confront her and let her know if I gotta give my stuff up, shes gotta give hers up. Her reply was “Honey, I do it to look good for you!” And I told her “but thats what the drinking was for baby!”
She hasn’t called me since.
Why was Michael Jackson at Wal Mart?
He heard they had boys pants half off.
Yo momma so fat that when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 80 years to live.
What is 40 feet long and smells like piss??
The Conga Line at a nursing home!
Little Johnny goes to his sister’s room and picks up something. His sister tells him to give it back, she wants to keep it as a souvenir. He asks her what it is. She says, “it’s a donut.” Then Little Johnny says, “give me fifty cents.” Johnny gives her the used condom, and his sister gives him 50 cents. He goes to the kitchen with a big smile on his face, and his mom asks him why he’s smiling. He says, “My sister gave me fifty cents for a donut, but I already licked out all the custard!”
Why do “Hicks” like to have sex “doggy style”?
So that way they can both watch NASCAR
What is the difference between Kinky and Perverted?
Kinky you use a feather and Perverted you use the whole chicken!
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
Why can’t Hellen Keller drive?
Because she’s a woman!
