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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey,” died peacefully at age 83.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

A guy is driving around Chesterfield County, Virginia and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.”

The police officer made his way to my car on the driver’s side of the car. I reluctently but promptly rolled down my window and the cop says, “Lets see your drivers license, you were speeding.”

I stated, “I, don’t have a drivers license.”

“Okay then, the cop said, then pop open your glove compartment and lets see your registration.”

I stated “I don’t have my registration. But, I have a gun in there.”

The cop got nervous and said, “A gun…why’s that in there?”

“I used it to shoot the woman I stole this car from.”

“What!?!… Where’s the woman?” the cop stated.

“She’s in the trunk.”

At this point, the cop figures he’d better radio for help and backup. In no time, a squad of cars converge upon the vehicles. The police chief himself approaches my car, I was still in the drivers seat, and he says, “Let me see your driver’s license.”

I said, “sure” and produced my license.

Next, the chief asks for my registration. I reach into the glove compartment and hand the registration to him at which point the chief asks, “Is there a gun in the there?”

I answered, “see for yourself.”

The chief walks around the car, looks in the glove compartment and sees that there’s no gun. He then says, “Pop open your trunk.”

I did as requested, the police chief looks in the trunk and there’s no woman there.

He walks back around to the driver’s side and says, “What’s going here? One of my officers radioed for help because he said you had no driver’s license, no registration, there was a gun in the glove compartment and a woman in the trunk.”

I replied, “Yeah, and I bet he told you I was speeding too.”

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.

“Well, ” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes, ” replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well, ” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening, ” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

“Sensible” says Jeff.

“So I get to her door, ” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”

“I kicked her in the face.”