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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain … do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous! If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.”

That’s not right = Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive = Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP = Kum Hia
Stupid Man = Dum Gai
Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach = Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table = Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift = Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here = Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet = Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone = No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week = WaiYu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight = Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile = Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive = Yu Stin Ki Pu

WrongUnderwearWrongTime.mpg (1.53 MB)

WhyMenShave.wmv (642 KB)

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess and the moral of the story is, ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’” “Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.’” “That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” “Stay the hell away from Aunt Shirley when she’s been drinking.”