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Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her. Without missing a beat….she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Smart Ass Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

“Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,” he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

“Yiminy Cricket!” exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.

“Vhere dit yew git dat monster??”

“Vell,” replied Olaf, “I got it from me Genie.”

“You haff a genie in yor tackle pox?” Sven asked.

“Ya, shure. It’s right here in my tackle pox,” says Olaf.

“Could I see him?”

So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, “Hey dere! I’m a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?”

“Yes, I will,” says the genie. So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks…flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. “Yumpin’ Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

Olaf answers, “Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?”

GirlfriendfromHell.wmv (625 KB)

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a child psychiatrist what to do.

The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

“I want a damn teddy-bear lying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.” Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.

Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Johnny replied, “I think I got a dog but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!”

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse….alone.” The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time … BRING POSSEEEE!!!!”