Slapyo.com

Acura Integra – I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend – I’m too bland for German cars
Acura NSX – I am impotent
Audi 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue – I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado – I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville – I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro – I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette – I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette
Chevrolet Corvette – I’m in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino – I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba – I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z – I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart – I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona – I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Escort – I’m a red-headed nanny
Ford Fairmont – (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang – I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria – I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm – I will start the 11th grade in the Fall
Geo Tracker – I will start the 12th grade in the Fall
Honda del Sol – I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic – I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord – I lack any originality and am basically a lemming
Infiniti Q45 – I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending
Isuzu Impulse – I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports
Jaguar XJ6 – I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year
Kia Sephia – I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp
Lincoln Town Car – I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis – (See above)
Mercedes 500SL – I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL – I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata – I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler
MGB – I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante – I don’t know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX – I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings
Oldsmobile Cutlass – I just stole this car and I’m going to make a….
Peugeot 505 Diesel – I am on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon – I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM – I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944 – I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow – I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 – (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy – I have always wanted a Japanese car
Toyota Camry – I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle – I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet – I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus – I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon – I am frightened of my wife

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

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While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Traffic Ticket – $95.00
Court Costs – $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face – PRICELESS